Spike VS Edward
by Scarlet has Fantasy Issues
Summary: Spike decides to have a chat with the newest addition to the vampire world and things don't go as planned for the sparkly ones...Don't read if you don't like Stephenie Meyer and Edward bashing...
1. Spike Vs Edward

_A/N: Yes, I'm doing another bashing story of Twilight involving Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe more people will like this one than they did the last one. If you don't like hearing bad things about Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, or any Twilight characters, please continue to read because I want to hear what you have to say about this little story. So have fun and enjoy the story!_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spike sat in the shade of an umbrella outside a restaurant and stared at the man across from him. He couldn't believe that he was sitting with the new breed of vampire that some idiot had created. This new breed _sparkled _in sunlight. They didn't get sick in sunlight or burn in sunlight like normal vampires. No, they had to _sparkle _like they were made of diamond. They weren't vampires. They were freaking FAIRIES.

"You lot make me sick," Spike admitted, taking a drag on his cigarette. "You especially Edward make me want to throw up."

Edward didn't look the slightest bit upset. "I understand that you're jealous of me and my kind Spike. We're popular now and your kind is old news."

"Old news?" Spike laughed. "My kind has millions of fan bases. We have tons of followers. We're making a comeback while you're losing to a bloody werewolf."

Edward's eyes darkened. "Don't talk about the werewolf."

"Why not?" Spike smirked. "Don't tell me you're pissed about him stealing your girlfriend for a length of time and now your daughter. You were the one who decided to run off when you have a needy little broad here."

"I had to go then because I needed to protect Bella!" Edward hissed from between clenched teeth. "Besides, it's not like you haven't run away from Buffy. Oh wait, you had to because you almost raped her."

Spike shrugged. "At least I had sex with her before I ran off. You were always blowing poor little Bella off because you were afraid to hurt her. What's the point of having a willing mate if you can't shag her?"

"I could have crushed her! You know how badly she was bruised when we first had sex."

"Actually I grew bored reading the novel and decided to watch a music video. There was more lust in that three minute clip than there was in your entire four book saga. Honestly, if you're going to have a book that captures the attention of die hard vampire fanatics, you'll need some hot and heavy action. Why do you think Buffy and Angel were such money makers?"

It was Edward's turn to shrug. "Teenagers have enough sex in their daily lives. These days a kiss is like a handshake. My Creator in her infinite wisdom decided –"

"To rip off one of her student's ideas," Spike muttered in an undertone.

"The All Powerful Stephenie Meyer wanted to make the perfect love story between two people from two different worlds. Something that Joss Whedon decided to skip because he thought it was better to have a bunch of random sex scenes in his show."

Spike looked offended. "Joss Whedon is a bloody genius compared to that sow who created you! Only he could come up with a story line so damn good! Sex or no sex, Buffy and Angel would have been a load better than your whole series. At least _his _heroine wasn't needy and willing to do everything to hold onto someone not worth the trouble."

"Bella loves me. You're just jealous because Buffy doesn't feel the same for you. Neither does Drusilla or Harmony."

"Keep naming off my ex's names all day if you want, but you aren't going to bring this vampire down like the Berlin wall. I'll always have more women throwing themselves at me even when the whole Twilight hype has died down. Hell, I'll even get the women that wanted you and were disappointed when they got a piece of you." Spike smirked. "And I don't have to worry about any 'brothers' or werewolves taking my fans because there's just Angel and he has his own show. _I'm _the only vampire to worry about in the Buffy series, so there's always going to be plenty of women to go around."

"See? This is exactly what I was talking about. Joss Whedon doesn't care about developing a true love story. Buffy goes through about ten different guys in her seven season run. She has sex with most of them and doesn't bother to develop a relationship with all but two of them: Angel and that human commando guy."

"Don't pick on Buffy just because she went through a bunch of losers. She was trying to find the right fit, something that you wouldn't let Bella do because your stupid writer decided to make you the only white knight in town. Though I guess she did have sense enough to give Bella to that werewolf for that one story and _he _did let her make her own decisions…Maybe she was better off with him than you."

Edward smiled a tight smile. "Stop making me want to kill you because you know that I could do it easily."

"You and what sparkling gay army, Captain Sparkle?" Spike challenged, crushing his cigarette out on his hand, not even wincing when it burned into the flesh.

"I don't need an army. I'm faster, smarter, and stronger than you'll ever be. Breaking you would like breaking a toothpick."

"Big talk for a little lad. Strength and speed will only get you so far. It's experience that makes the vamp and you just don't have as much as I do."

"Who needs experience when all I need to do is push you out into the sunlight or switch your water for holy water?" Edward smirked. "You old vampires are such weaklings. Holy water? Garlic? Crucifixes? Is there anything lamer that you could be hurt by?"

"Oh, you wounded me with your teenage words," Spike said sarcastically, placing a hand over his heart. "Seriously, if you're going to go on about how great this Stephenie Meyer person made you and your pathetic excuse of a love story with Bella, I might just take a bloody stake to my heart."

"And no one but your fan girls will miss you, but that will only last a little while because soon they will be distracted by my next movie." Edward leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Where are _your _movies and when are they coming out?"

Spike's expression soured. "Buffy only had one movie and that was way before I came to Sunnydale. And she's too cool to have her own movies. She has books, loads of them. Some even interact with the reader. Did your lame creator think about doing that? That would be no because she was too concerned about making the books rated so that first graders could read them when they're not taking their naps."

"You're just jealous," Edward said simply, leaning back in his seat so that he basked in the sun.

Spike put up a hand to shield his eyes. "Who would be jealous of a bloke who sparkles like a bloody gay fairy? Not any real vampires."

"I'm a real vampire."

"No, real vampires change when they vamp out. They get ridges, their eyes turn colors, their fangs grow…You don't see any vampire going all sparkly on someone in the sun. You see them avoid it because A) it makes them sick or B) it physically hurts them. That's how it is in all the books, movies, and TV shows except in that joke you call Twilight." Spike's eyes narrowed. "And that thing about changing people –"

"Let me guess, you're going to say that vampires don't change people the way my kind does."

"We bloody well don't. Nowhere in the ancient texts does it say that vampires can change a human by simply taking a nibble. There has to be a blood exchange between the vampire and the human being changed."

"Obviously Stephenie Meyer thought it was time for vampires to evolve past that foolish practice."

"But vampires having _venom _in their fangs? That's a bit farfetched mate. And don't get me started on your 'super powers'," Spike said, making the quote fingers. "'cause once I get started on that stupid subject I can't really stop."

"What? Are you intimidated because some of my kind has special talents that you could only dream of?" Edward asked. "Or jealous?"

"What's there to be jealous of? Oh, I can read your thoughts…so can smart people. Oh, I can see the future, where's the fun in that? Oh I can make people feel special feelings and feel them myself…who really needs that load of pain in a world full of raging hormones and teenagers?" Spike ranted. "Oh I can make a shield to protect myself and those I love…big deal! I can knock it down with a healthy dose of magic."

"You don't use magic."

"Doesn't mean I don't know people who would do the magic stuff for me to take down your pet's little shield. Makes you kind of worried now, doesn't it? Knowing that your girl's little protection can be taken away by magical forces probably makes your panties bunch."

Edward's teeth clenched. "You won't touch Bella!"

"I actually have nothing against the girl," Spike admitted. "Except for the fact that she chose a gay fairy over a real man, but that can be taken care of later. No, my bone is going to be picked by you."

Spike glanced across the street and nodded. Slowly the world became dark and Edward looked up for the cause. The moon was slowly moving in front of the sun, blocking out the sun.

"There wasn't supposed to be an eclipse!" Edward pointed out, getting to his feet.

"Of course there wasn't, but try telling that to redhead over there," Spike said, pointing across the street.

Willow waved from across the street where she stood with Dawn and Buffy. All three women looked a little interested in what was unfolding in front of them.

Edward's gaze turned away from the women when he heard snarls. Men were emerging from the shadows or approaching from the other side of the street. Angel and Dracula led Mick St. John, Josef, Damon, Stefan, and a lot more male vampires that had been outshined recently by the sparkling version of their kind. He took a step back and glanced at Spike who had vamped out.

"What's going on here?" he demanded.

"What? You don't know?" Spike shot back. "Here I thought you were the one with the telepathic abilities…guess that was just a myth."

"Or you're still messed up in the head," Angel said.

"That too."

"This is retribution," Damon stated. "We're sick of you sparkly freaks taking out women and giving vampires a bad image."

"We want the image of vampires to go back to normal," Mick St. John added. "If that means kicking your ass, then so be it."

"The ways of the vampire have long been written in the ancient texts and no one shall change them," Dracula declared. "You and your kind shall fall and the true vampires shall rise again to reclaim our place in the hearts of humans everywhere."

"The Cullen family will stop you!" Edward exclaimed, backing away from the murderous looking bunch.

"They're already taken care of son," Josef announced. "All that remains are you and Bella…which I don't see why we can't keep Bella around for awhile."

"No Josef," all the male vampires said in unison.

"Enough chit chat," Spike stated. "Let's take care of this gay sparkling fairy that makes us look so bad."

With a collective roar, all the vampires attacked Edward.

XXXXXXXXX

Bella watched the scene as she stepped next to Buffy. "What the hell are you doing to my husband!?!" she demanded in a shrill voice.

"Shut it up!" Dawn begged, clamping her hands over her ears. "Before it makes my ears bleed!"

Bella shot her a withering look.

"Well, you see the real vampires are taking down your husband because they feel threatened by his sparkly self," Buffy explained. "The girl vampires took care of the two female Cullens and the other boys already took care of Emmett, the murderous looking doctor, and the one with something shoved up his butt. All that remains is you and Edward."

"But it doesn't look like he's going to last much longer," Willow admitted. "Sorry…"

"What do you plan on doing to me?" Bella demanded, looking scared.

"Oh, we're just going to stake you in the heart and send you to Dustville," Dawn said, earning a dirty look from Buffy. "What?"

"You weren't supposed to tell her what was going to happen!" Buffy hissed.

"My bad."

Bella backed away. "You can't do this. Besides, even if you could, Stephenie Meyer would write us back into the world over and over again and there would be no end to us."

"And that's where you're wrong. You see we can do this and we have already taken care of Stephenie Meyer. So goodbye Bella." Buffy said, throwing a stake into Bella's chest.

Bella looked down and frowned. "Shit," she complained before exploding into a cloud of brown dust.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere else…

Stephenie Meyer sat in a chair, her arms taped to the arms of the chair and her legs bound at the ankles. She was sobbing as the TV before her continued to playback what had happened to her characters mixed with clips from Buffy, Angel, Moonlight, Dracula movies, and Vampire Diaries.

"These aren't real vampires!" she protested. "Vampires are supposed to have deep love and they're supposed to sparkle!! Why won't anyone listen?"

"You keep talking to yourself like that and someone is going to think you're crazy," Drusilla whispered before laughing. "Would you like to play a game, duckling?"

Stephenie Meyer screamed in pain and despair as Drusilla vamped out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: So, that's the end of that. Trust me, Drusilla didn't bite Stephenie Meyer because there is no way that any vampire in their right – or wrong – minds would turn that woman into a vampire. I'm sorry but it's true._

_Tell me what you think even if you feel the need to flame me. Flames are good for warmth and they help me improve my writing. So please, flame me if you want to. I will gladly take flames with the nice reviews and have fun with that. Thanks!!_


	2. Angel VS Emmett

**A/N: People have been bugging me about it and so have my Muses in their manly glory...So here it is! The second part of my Spike VS Edward story. I hope you enjoy it as much as you enjoyed the first part where Edward got what was coming to him. Here ya go now with...**

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**ANGEL VS EMMETT**

Finding the biggest Cullen wasn't as hard as Angel thought it would be. All he had to do was follow the sounds of someone taking their anger out on a boulder. And it helped to have the directions handed to him from the woman posing as Emmett's mother.

"Proving you're stronger than Bella?" Angel asked, watching the younger man pound the boulder into little bits. "Or are you trying to put more rocks in your brain?"

Emmett growled and looked at Angel. "Oh, it's you."

"Is that it? 'Oh it's you'. Is that all you have to say when you see me?" Angel demanded, pointing at himself. "I'm your biggest threat buddy."

Emmett chuckled. "You don't scare me, Angel. Not with your wimpy, girl name. What kind of name is 'Angel' anyway?"

"It's my name or part of it," Angel muttered, glaring at the Cullen. "I'm Angelus and I could seriously kick your ass if you made me mad."

"Don't you mean really 'happy'?"

"What?"

Emmett laughed and dusted his hands off. "I know about the gypsy's curse on you. I watched your show when it was on. Buffy and Angel were on like thirty years ago, right?"

"No. We've been on recently."

"Re-runs."

"At least we've been around longer than Twilight and were a completely original idea. Our creator didn't steal the design for me and the others from a student or coworker. And he made vampires believable."

"Really. How are Twilight vampires not believable?" Emmett challenged.

"Well, for one you sparkle. What kind of vampire sparkles in sunlight?"

"Edward."

"And the rest of you."

Emmett shook his head. "No, we don't. In the book and in the movies, Edward is the only one stupid enough to walk out into the sun. The rest of us aren't stupid enough to try to go out in the sun because one, we don't want to burn into a crisp and two -"

"You don't want to look as gay as your 'brother'," Angel said with a smirk.

"It wasn't my idea to say we were all family. I was perfectly happy to go off on my own after I got control of my life and leave them all behind."

"Yet, somehow you stuck around to get drawn into an angsty teenage love story with no plot. And you make yourself look like you think more with your muscles than the organ that supposed to be used to think."

Emmett looked down. "That?"

"No. Your real brain, you stupid moron." Angel turned and looked out at the dark. "It's people like you that make people lose faith in the real vampires. It's fairies like you that tarnish the good name of vampires everywhere."

"Vampires were considered evil before Stephenie Meyer came up with us."

"Rot."  
"What?"

"That's a load of rot. There were good vampires in dozens of books, movies, and TV shows. And they were real vampires that burned in sunlight and weren't posing as 'vegetarian' vampires. We have no central government that tells us what is wrong and what is right. If we want to make children into vampires, we sure as hell are going to make children vampires and the children are going to be good."

"Until they become bad. Not all the children created are going to be good." Emmett pointed at Angel. "Your son is proof."

"Leave my boy out of this. He's just confused."  
"Yeah because he doesn't know if you're really his mom or his dad, Angel."

"How many times are you going to make fun of my name before it gets through your thick skull that I've heard all the jokes about it?"

"I'll keep going until the jokes about it get old and then I'll move onto something more entertaining. Like what kind of Nancy boy hair gel you use on your hair." Emmett told him with a smirk. "Then when that gets old, I'll come up with something else until I run out of ideas. By that time, you'll be good and pissed and you'll probably come after me, but by that time, I'll have formulated a plan to take your ass down."

Angel cocked an eyebrow. "You thought through all that?"

"Yep. I'm not as brainless as Stephenie made everyone believe me to be."  
"But you're also the least mentioned character in the whole series. You have what? Five, six scenes in the whole saga? Even Jasper has more scenes than that."

"Are you trying to say something?" Emmett demanded, throwing aside a handful of rocks.

"Yeah. The story would have been better without you. You played no vital role, you're barely mentioned and when you are, you're made to look like an idiot. Face it, if Rosalie didn't need some eye candy, you wouldn't have been created in the first place."

Emmett growled. "And what about you? You've only been placed in the Angel and Buffy series as the Emo eye candy of the vampire race. Captain Peroxide beat you in the conquest department, sleeping with your girl and a number of others. Seems like you are easily replaced in a series by someone you created the sire of. How does it feel to be replaced by your grand-sire-ling?"

"How do you think it's going to feel to have my fist knock all of your teeth out?" Angel snapped.

Emmett laughed. "You can't hurt me, Angel. I'm tougher than you. I'm stronger than you. I'm not affected by garlic or crosses or any of that old fashioned nonsense. Face it, Pretty Boy...Meyer-pires are better than all other vampires ever created."  
Angel reached into his duster pocket and pulled out something long and wooden. Emmett took a step back, but managed to keep his smirk.

"What are you going to do with that?" he laughed. "Poke me with your oversized toothpick?"  
Angel flipped the stake in the air and caughtit on the third revolution. "This, my stupid friend, is the thing that kills all vampires. Since sunlight doesn't always affect all vampires now that vampires are found not be created equal, we had to go back to the basics and discover what would kill all vampires. And all vampires are affected by wooden stakes. You're a vampire. A gay sparkling version of a vampire, but you're still considered a vampire...for reasons that we may never know..." He shook his head. "Sad, sad world this has become..."

"We're considered vampires because we ARE vampires. And we are awesome because we are..." HE lost his smirk. "Okay, I'll admit it...Meyer-pires suck sometimes. Edward sucks. Rosalie sucks. All of the Cullens suck."

"I believe we've made a break through today." Angel said with a small smile. "You are the first to admit it and that's a healthy thing."

There came a terrifying scream of 'EMMETT' that ripped through the air. Stephenie Meyer came running through the trees and tackled her giant bear of a vampire. He screeched and pushed her away like she had some kind of disease.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, putting some distance between himself and his Creator.

"I can't – I can't let him kill you," Stephenie panted, pointing at Angel. "He's not a vampire. He doesn't sparkle. He doesn't feel deep love that makes up for sex which shouldn't happen until after a couple is married...He is NOT a vampire!"

Angel looked away from Stephenie Meyer. "How exactly did you escape Drusilla?"

"That crazy wanna-be vampire wanted to play," Stephenie muttered with a crazy gleam in her eyes. "She let me go...and I zapped her with a zappy stick and she dropped. I ran here as soon as I could...I can't let another one of my precious creations die...Not by Joss Whedon's hands! That filthy, filthy man!"

"Stephenie calm down," Emmett ordered, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down."

"I won't let them kill you," Stephenie rambled. "I – I made you perfect! All of you are perfect! I made you all on my own! You sparkle like diamonds and diamonds are perfect. You're well-behaved angels sent from heaven to make the world a little brighter..."  
"Sorry Angel," Drusilla whispered, appearing by Angel's side. "Nasty little pet decided to deliver a nasty shock through my bones. And all I wanted to do was play a little game...Not nice pet...No treats for you tonight...Tsk tsk..." Her eyes landed on Emmett and lit up happily. "Is he for me too? Do I get to strip him down and beat him for being a naughty boy? Play a good game of -"

"No Dru," Angel said, though he would have gladly given Emmett over. "You only get to take Stephenie."  
"Oh...you never let me have any fun...No fun for Dru. I'm not even allowed to have a nibble on the crazy one..." She walked over to Emmett and scratched him across the face. "A curse is on you...you'll see in no time that Angel is going to knock you down and tear up your skirt...you two boys will be dancing to Death and I'll be playing the music..."  
"NO!" Stephenie screeched, throwing herself between Emmett and Drusilla. "You marred his beautiful face! You filthy creature!"

Drusilla caught Stephenie's wrist when the woman tried to hit her. "Naughty pet...don't strike Mummy. Come with Mummy...I've got some goodies for you...even though you've been very naughty...Come play duckling..."

Stephenie wailed in despair and clawed at Emmett's arms as Drusilla pulled her away. The two melted into the darkness and Emmett visibly shook himself.

"She's nuts!" he muttered under his breath.

"Yes she is, but that's what you get when you put her in a room with real vampires," Angel said, flipping the stake in his hand again. Emmett gave him a look. "What? You weren't talking about Meyer?"

"No."

"Oh well."

Angel glanced past Emmett when he heard something move, but he couldn't make out anything. _Must be my imagination_, he thought. _Or Dru is rubbing off on me..._

"Why are you having Drusilla torture an already unstable woman?" Emmett demanded.

"Because Dru needed to have some fun and I can't deny her the occasional chance to torture someone," Angel said. "It keeps worse things from happening."

"The worst thing that's ever happened to this world is Whedon and there's not going to be an end to him for many more years."

"Leave Joss out of this!" Angel snapped. "The man is a genius." He sighed. "I was hoping to convince you to an easy death, but I give up on that idea. You're too annoying to die quietly...I prefer to just do this."

He lunged for the Meyer-pire who dodged him. Emmett backed away and looked at the hole in his shirt.

"Dude, you missed," he laughed. "You suck! You're just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth...and use way too much Nancy boy hair gel..."

"Okay, that's it!" someone snapped and a stake was driven through Emmett's back, straight through his heart. "No one – and I mean no one – uses my words to make fun of Angel. That's my job! Understand?"

Emmett turned to look at Spike and cursed under his breath as he exploded into a cloud of dust. Spike flipped up the collar of his duster and smirked at Angel.

"You couldn't do it mate," he said. "Missed him by a bloody mile."

"He was fast," Angel muttered, shoving his stake back in his pocket. "You have to give Meyer credit for creating someone faster than normal vampires."

"I could...but that would make me seem like a Meyer-pire fan and that's not what I am. I'm a real vampire with a manly name and I'll shag whoever I want. Speaking of which, I'm late for a meeting with a certain blonde..."

"Hey!"

Spike was already gone. Angel cursed under his breath and stalked off to find somewhere dark to sulk in.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: Not as long as the first part and it probably isn't as funny. I hope you enjoyed it anyway and give me some more reviews! I love all that reviewed the first part and I hope you review again this time! Thanks!**


	3. Dawn and Xander VS Jasper

**A/N: Hi! Thanks for all the reviews guys! We've hit the big 74 reviews and I can't wait to see what else you've got to say! So, here's something that may not be as funny as the first part of Spike VS Edward…**

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**DAWN & XANDER VS JASPER**

Jasper's head felt like it was going to implode. One moment he was happy, the next he was mad at the world. Sadness, fear, happiness, hate, love, all of it was flashing through his mind in rapid bursts, in waves that crashed against the inside of his skull. All he wanted to do was bash his head against a wall until his brain fell apart.

"Please…stop this…" he begged, his golden eyes looking at the teenage girl who was in the room with him. "Please…"

"Why?" Dawn's face took on a sad expression. "Do you not like me? Am I not pretty enough for you?"

"I…I didn't say that…" Jasper said, clutching at his head. "Just stop…"

"Stop what?" It was anger now that radiated from her. "Stop being me? I'm sorry buddy, but I can't do that. That's like asking Cordelia to do a math problem. It's not going to happen. So sit down, shut up, and listen to me."

Jasper was blasted back into his seat by the wave of feeling that came from her. His body quaked and he felt sick. He turned and vomited diamond bracelets. Dawn made a face and flipped the stake in her hand, catching it awkwardly.

"You make me sick," she told him. "But then again, you're kind of hot. I mean, diamonds are pretty and your skin looks like it is made of diamonds… And diamonds are a girls' best friend. But you're not my friend."

Jasper looked at her and shook his head, a dog falling out of his hair and running away. "You've been killing everyone that I love," he said, watching the dog scurry out a small hole in the door. "You even scared away my hair!"

"Serves you right, Constipated Face!" Dawn snapped before giggling. "You know that was kind of funny. A dog fell out of your head….and you're actually scared of me, of my friends…of what I could do to you if I wanted to."

She snapped her fingers in his face. "Poof! You're gone in an instant. Vanished from the world in a puff of dust."

Jasper felt his stomach twist into knots as more waves of emotion crashed through him. He could hear silent crying outside the room and knew from the camera that was positioned over head that his Creator was watching him be tortured. If only he could get out…then he'd put an end to her crying.

"Hey!" Dawn snapped, standing in front of him. "Are you listening to me?" She smacked him on the face. "Hello? I'm talking to you here."

"No, you're just being an annoying teenage girl," Jasper muttered, glaring at her.

Dawn's bottom lip quivered and tears shone in her eyes. Jasper wasn't prepared for the backlash of sadness that came from her. He gasped and gripped the sides of his chair to the point that his knuckles turned white against his skin.

"You don't like me!" Dawn cried. "You don't want to talk to me! No one ever wants to talk to me! No one likes Dawn because she's a kleptomaniac and needs constant reassurance that she's loved! Here I was thinking that you, Master of Lame Emotions, could help me, maybe even love me, but no. You're just like everyone else!"

Jasper blinked. "You love me?"

Dawn made a face. Another wave of disgust hit him. "Hell no! I don't love you! I just like you…like a fat person likes Cheetos. There's no love there, just an obsession that makes you get fatter and fatter…" She looked down and pinched her side, pulling at a small roll of baby fat. "Am I fat?"

Jasper was unsure of how to answer her. He didn't want her to send more waves of emotion crashing into him. "Um…no."

"Liar!" Dawn jumped onto his lap and pressed the stake against his heart. "Oh, I could easily kill you now…Do so without a second thought, but as I said, I like you too much."

"So you're going to let me go?" Jasper asked hopefully.

Dawn laughed and situated herself on his lap, straddling his legs with her own. "Now…I can't do that. I never said I wouldn't eventually kill you…" She caressed his face with one hand, keeping the stake pressed against his chest. "You're just too pretty for me to let go to waste."

Jasper felt lust in the air and felt himself squirm. "You're going to have to kill me now. I'm not going to give you what you want."

Dawn frowned and pressed the stake a little closer to his heart. "Want to run that by me again."

"I have a girlfriend."

"So?"

"I love her."

"She's going to die too, you know? Cordelia's going to get her good." She laughed and smacked him upside the head, sending another dog crashing to the floor. "How many dogs do you have in your hair?"

"What are you talking about? They are my hair!" Jasper tried to force her off, but Dawn was stuck on his lap and wasn't going to budge.

Dawn sent more waves of emotion at him. Jasper found himself growing hornier and hornier as the lust drove deeper into him. And he found himself growing hungrier and hungrier for her blood. All he wanted was to make her stop and take her as his own.

Jasper gently cupped her face with one of his hands and tipped it to his level. His lips were inches from hers when the door to the torture chamber opened.

"Dawn!" Xander's voice came sharply to Jasper's ears. "Buffy said to torture the sparkle-pyres, not to jump into bed with them."

Dawn looked scared. "Xander, he's putting his charms on me!" she cried. "He's going to eat me!"

Just as suddenly as the lust and the hunger came, they were gone leaving fear in their place. Dawn jumped from his lap and looked at Xander, who was also holding a stake.

"He's going to eat me, Xander!" she repeated, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Jasper waited to see if snakes would fall out of her hair, but it was just hair. "I wasn't going to eat you."

"Yes you were," Dawn said, glaring at him. "You had that hungry look in your eyes. Did you see me as a giant big mac face?"

"No. You confusing me with Jeremiah from Vampires Suck," Jasper said. "I only wanted you for sex."

"Hold on buddy," Xander said and Jasper was hit with another wave of emotion, more tempered than Dawn's emotions. "There will be no sexing up Dawn here. She's going to be a virgin until she's forty."

"Xander!" Dawn exclaimed.

"It's the truth," Xander said, glancing at Dawn. "Buffy said so."

"Buffy said so," Dawn muttered. "You guys want to ruin my life, don't you?"

"No, we want to keep you from becoming some sparkle-pyre's sex bunny," Xander explained before looking back at Jasper. "Teenagers."

" Teenagers," Jasper agreed, taking his eyes off of Dawn for a moment. "So, can I go now? I'm hungry and I prefer not to have sappy meals."

"Sappy meals?" Dawn scowled, holding her stake at the ready. "I am not sappy!"

"Neither am I!" Xander added, sending a powerful wave of anger crashing into Jasper. "And there will be no leaving until you're dead."  
"I'm already dead," Jasper commented.

"Dead-dead. As in not moving, not talking…not wasting any more space than a vacuum dust bag. Understand Emotion Boy?"  
Jasper gnashed his jaws together, making an audible clicking sound. Dawn jumped back, but Xander jumped behind her.

"Xander! You're supposed to kill him!" Dawn exclaimed, glancing over her shoulder at him. "Stop being a baby and kill him already!"

Jasper had gotten back onto his feet, but both Xander and Dawn sent more waves of emotion crashing into him. He charged, but with the emotions pounding through his head, he missed them and ran headfirst into the wall. Dawn shrieked and kicked him between the legs. Jasper groaned against the floor and lifted his head when the door opened and two black shoes came into his line of sight.

A rough hand reached down and lifted the sparkle-pyre up by his hair. Another dog jumped from his head, leaving Jasper with only a tuft of hair on his head. Jasper felt despair, loneliness, guilt, sadness, and all the miserable feelings of the world come crashing into him. His hope of getting out of there vanished, smothered like a candle flame with no more oxygen. He looked up into the face of Spike and behind him Mick St. John stood, his eyes silver.

"Now Xander," Spike said, holding Jasper like he was a diseased little creature. "Little Bit, when Buffy told you to kill Constipation Face, she meant to actually kill him, not get scared when he decides to grow a pair."

"But she didn't say when we had to kill him," Dawn commented, batting her eyelashes at Mick St. John who looked away. "We were going to torture him for awhile."

Xander looked disgusted as he looked at Jasper's nearly bald head. "Dawn, you were going to sleep with a bald guy?"  
Color flooded Dawn's face. "Xander!"

"Little Bit?" Spike cocked an eyebrow. "What have we told you about sleeping with vampires?"

"To not sleep with sparkle-pyres," Dawn muttered before looking at Spike. "But no real vampires want me…And he's so pretty."  
"Thanks," Jasper whispered before Spike threw him against the wall.

"Of course, fairies are pretty," Spike said. "But real vampires are not pretty. We're sexy, hot…anything but pretty."

"Okay Hostile 17, we do not want Dawn-y here sleeping with any kind of vampire," Xander said as Mick St. John walked over to Jasper. "Buffy wants her to find a completely normal, boring man."

"Good luck," Mick said, picking Jasper off the ground and slamming him into the wall. "There are a lot of freaks in this world. Normal guys, we're just a rare find."

"Exactly," Spike agreed. "Dawn needs a nice vampire to be with. Mick's available since what's-her-face left him."

"Beth," Mick mumbled and Jasper felt another wave of sorrow hit him in its rawest form.

"Aw…Mick," Dawn cooed, hurrying over to him to give him a hug, kicking Jasper again. "I'm here for you if you need me."

Jasper lifted his head and looked at her. "I thought –"

"You thought wrong," Dawn stated, stomping on him which was less painful than the storm of emotions that filled the room and Jasper's mind.

"NO!" someone screamed from outside the open door. "Jasper! Don't let them kill you! Jasper, my beautiful Jasper! Please don't murder him!"

"Will you stop creating vampires that sparkle like shiny diamonds, duckling?" Drusilla's voice floated in the room. "Do it for Mummy."

"Never."

"Such a naughty pet," Drusilla trilled. "Mummy says no sweets for you. Mummy will poke you with stinging points. Maybe duckling will think proper when her punishments over with?"

A wail pierced the silence of the room and sadness permeated the room. Jasper felt his heart break and slowly felt himself slipping into madness.

"Stephenie," he breathed. "Please stop torturing…Stephenie."

"N o," was the resounding answer from the occupants of the room.

"I have an idea!" Dawn exclaimed. "A really good idea!"

"Well, that's a first," Spike commented with a roll of the eyes.

"Spike!" Dawn whined. "I always have good ideas…"  
"All right, sneaking out on date with a vampire, his mate, and your mate," Spike said. "Does that ring a bell?"

"Okay, I'll give you the fact that that was a bad idea, but this one is really good," Dawn babbled. "It'll make it easier to kill Jasper."

"Jasper," Xander gaped at her. "Since when do we give sparkle-pyres names?"

"She really must be in love with him," Mick commented.

"No. I am not!" Dawn exclaimed. "Will you testosterone filled imbeciles listen to me for one damn minute?" She huffed and scowled at everyone. "Just let out all of your emotions and make Jasper's head pop off!"

Jasper trembled as Dawn's rawest emotions came bubbling up to the surface with all the angst of a teenager. Xander's emotions came next, rolling on with the grief of his loves past and the sorrow at never being truly loved by anyone else thereafter. (And there came hunger from him as well…He wanted a Happy Meal.) Mick's emotions came crashing into him next; guilt, loneliness, simmering anger, burning hate hitting him with a power that he had not experienced in vampires in all of his life.

But the worst of the emotions came from Spike. Despair, loneliness, hate, love, sorrow, guilt, pain, anger, happiness…every emotion that Jasper had ever heard about, but not experienced crashed into him. It came on with years and years of built up accumulation.

Jasper cried out in pain and started convulsing. He had never felt so much pain in his life and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All hope was loss and then…

His head exploded into a pile of diamond jewelry and loose diamonds. His body stopped trembling,, his fingers twitched though. The 'hair' dogs came running back in and sniffed the body. One of them lifted his leg and peed on him while the others pulled off Jasper's fingers and started chewing on them.

"Well, that's one way to take care of a Meyer-pyre," Mick commented.

"It's a lot shinier than I remember," Xander said, cocking his head to one side.

Spike rolled his eyes and stabbed Jasper's chest with a stake. The body exploded into dust. "Now, if you want to get rid of the diamonds and give the wealth to some bloody starving orphans or save the puppies, do it. I have to go make sure Dru hasn't eaten Meyer. We wouldn't want her to get sick and die again, would we?"

"Of course not," Dawn said, stuffing the diamond bracelets into her pockets. "Can I keep these?"

"No Dawn. It's sparkle-pyre brains," Xander stated. "We'll give them to Cordelia and Harmony. Okay?"

"Fine."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**A/N: See what I was talking about? It's not as funny, but it has its moments. Give me a review and don't forget to favorite! ~ Scarlet**


End file.
